chutzpah and hersheys.

when i was a senior in high school i did that Special K diet. every day I brought a container of cereal with me for lunch and bought milk in the cafeteria. for two weeks i was quite good about having my cup of cereal with milk and as much fruit as i wanted. good in the sense that a: i love special k and this was no hardship whatsoever; and b: not too long in i started swapping skim milk for chocolate.it's a step up from childhood though, most kids like cocoa pebble or lucky charms (sick if you ask me) i took sugary cereal to a whole new level. special k and hershey's syrup. dad would shake his head and scoff, mom told him to stop it, i would grow out of it and let me enjoy it while i could. i was a good kid, gimme a break. she was right, not the part about me being a good kid- although i was. rather, i grew out of it (and moved on to much more odd combinations, i assure you). i was given the time to work through it, and eventually moved on.

i got through the special k diet differently though, i mean...who can eat cereal twice a day forever? at some point you wake up to the reality that - heck,this is boring... and you know...my body wasn't built for "lighly toasted rice cereal" twice a day. they should put a disclaimer on the box: sure this works, but let's be real- at some point you snap and eat normally again. or worse. perhaps you go a little bit crazy and lo and behold gain weight. i suppose that wouldn't be there best line though. you know: lose 6 lbs in 2 weeks, gain 12 lbs in 4.

so as i sit on my bed, next to a fairly empty box of the aformentioned backfire. i think this- why do we do this to ourselves and say that as long as the short term seems right, the long term will follow suit. that dealing with problems accordingly means focusing on how it should be- as opposed to the reality of facing what is and the potentially long road that it takes to get there. to be so real and honest as to say, this might take a while- but in the best interest of not gaining 12 lbs in 4 weeks. let's just be real. and hey, who said the long road is bad? slow it on down.

that said.

as i drove home tonight in the rain i thought about dealing with grief. and not just grief, but sadness, loss, and hurt. when my mom passed away i was told that very day and quite often in the days to follow...that i should be happy. more often than not, this recollection leaves me speechless.you know, many people use the word chutzpah thinking that it means boldness or bravery. lies. it means rather audacious- the neve! let me tell you, it takes a vast amount of this so called chutzpah to tell someone who just lost their best friend and mother, that they should be happy.

Christans are loaded with it.

i remembered this painful lesson i have had to learn. that there was a small contingency of people who told me to grieve, to be in the present and let it be the horrible nightmare it was, and is. i only wish more people had told me it was ok to cry. that this emotion was normal, expected, and above all- healthy. healthy is not a 2 week cereal diet in the expectation of lifelong change. healthy is also not focusing on what you think you should be, so much that you are no longer facing what is. until you break, and the full swing back to normalcy feels much like the food binge at the end of 2 weeks of rice cereal. face it, healthy involves indulging in the hershey's.

today was the commencement for the class of 2007. i remember all too well the torrential downpour of my own graduation, expecting to have to take a gondola to the gymnasium. it rained again this year, and as i drove i thought about conversations i had had over the past week. conversations regarding transitions, or rather the lack thereof, during graduation. it is simply not normal to ask an entire class to finish exams, move out of their apartments, say goodbye to the friends and faculty that they have had for four or more years with, find jobs, and all the while...be happy about it. if ever asked to speak at a commencement i will sit on the stage with my legs on the side, lean on my knees, and admit to them what no one else will...whispering to them "this is hard, isn't it?".

sunsets are beautiful, but they are also slow- and in that slow time, we sit and watch- appreciating them for this slow transition. but you know, they also mark the end of a day. and looking ahead is exciting, but it does not condone neglecting the reality of what it will take to get there. so go ahead, take some time....transition.

tell me, why is there such an emphasis on the future at ceremonies like commencement? i have worked four long years to get here, do you think we could talk more about that for a bit before we move on? spend some time looking things over and closing the door before trying the latch at potentially new ones to open?

anyone who knows me will know that i am not encouraging the excessive indulgence of emotions. and perhaps it is odd to compare special k with chocolate syrup, to the transition out of college or through life changes. but to me, it makes perfect sense. i think mom was right, this is the only time you can do it. so go ahead and enjoy the moment. you'll grow - in some cases you'll grow out of it, in others you'll just grow. and that's ok. because it's healthy. sit down and realize what just happened, how you got here and why. don't rush through it, a lot has happened to get to this point. honor the past by remembering it. chocolate syrup and all.