it just had to be said (written).

I think the lure of writing, is that you get to say things without actually saying them. Not great things, not Jane Austen or Herman Melville or Dostoevsky type things; because, no one does call me Ishmael, and while I do agree that men can not compare to rocks and mountains, I also am guilty of thinking that men ARE at times- rocks and mountains.

Writing lets us say the things we may make a mess of if we were to attempt to vocalize them. We don’t have to hear ourselves say it, and frankly our words can be directed at someone without them standing, or sitting, across from us. And so we live in a world of words that seem to have lost their intrinsic value, much of the time- without us noticing.

Originally, words were only spoken. What was worth remembering wasn’t written down, it was passed down. And with that I can’t help but be intrigued to stop and note the swing of our communicative style… somewhere along the lines it was decided that all of these valuable words needed to be written down, and so we did- and I think that was a good thing. I suppose that the more time passes, the more there is to tell- eventually something had to give. But I wonder if it gave just a bit too much. The recording of things turned into the communication of things. And then somehow in our modern culture, the value of feasible, verbal communication was lost. And that swing found itself in the 180 of text messages and email.

It’s not that this is so bad, but I do think the reality is this-when you write, you risk the reader not knowing the intonation of your voice, the facial expressions that add emphasis, or the emotion that adds depth. We know it’s a risk, but we take it anyways. And then when we’re misunderstood- we blame the means of communication that we used, not ourselves for using it. Which, I can’t help but think is why we’re willing to take the risk in the first place- they won’t be able to read into what I’m saying. I won’t have to risk them hearing the tone in my voice.
I also think it allows us to put things off. We can wait to make a decision, hold off until we have an answer, ignore it until we’re good and ready. I was on the phone with someone once, making plans to meet for dinner. As she left she said, ok well I’ll text you later about when and where and I thought “why? We’re here now”.

As little vulnerability as possible – and so the text message.
Or worse, the wall post.

(I could go all symbolic for a second and point out that there IS no wall, and that it is in fact constructed BY these written words…but that emotional symbolism makes me throw up a little in my mouth, and who wants that?)

It’s about as sick as getting asked out via facebook message. To be a little relevant for a moment. This happened to a friend of mine recently and I just thought….”really? She doesn’t merit more effort than that? That was the best you could do?” I just can’t help but beg to differ.
I saw a good looking guy at Starbucks yesterday. When I walked in, we made eye contact and seconds later I noticed he had discreetly taken off his headphones when we stood near his table while waiting in line. After ordering my coffee and talking to a friend that I had spotted, I left- all the while exchanging glances that in my mind were captioned “…really?!”. Or, more appropriately :why you should never leave the house without makeup on.
But I said (wrote) that to say (write) this: When we left, my friend turned to me and said, “maybe he’ll go up to your friend and ask about you”. I’m not proud to say that the thought seemed so unlikely I laughed…a lot.
I live in a world where people who KNOW you ask you out via facebook. I hate that.
And I thought, “Do secure people like that exist?”
Or, again more appropriately, “I’m not that cute to incur such boldness, I’m just not that cute.” (We all think it, don’t lie. We do. We’re just too sheepish to be vulnerable.)

And you know why? I just can’t help but think that somewhere along the line self esteem, insecurity, and vulnerability got in the way of being real – with each other, but really- with ourselves.
Somehow we have ourselves convinced that it’s less vulnerable to write it out and hit send. We give outs, for them and for us. (Them is not guys. Them is just….THEM.) We provide back doors, it’ll be easier to recover from rejection if we built the backdoor anyways- prove to ourselves we weren’t caught off guard. And so there’s the ways we don’t have to say it, ways we can write it and let it sit in their court (also known… as an Inbox). Then we can think up a response to the next move, a well articulated, editable reply.
You can’t edit conversations.

But, here’s a thought- it’s not less vulnerable.
It’s less real.
And the less substantial something is, the easier it is to recover from.

Face it, it’s a whole heck of a lot easier to erase a text message or an e-mail then to forget a conversation. Conversations come with images and sound. The stuff you wish you could forget.
(And just to muddy the playing field, we made texts come with these things too by the way.)
Fact of the matter is- you can take that 1 megapixel picture until you look hot..
Face to face- that’s just too close for comfort; they might see what you look like on a different angle, on all angles.
They might form an opinion that you can’t mold and then give them.
They might ask a question you’re not prepared to answer. There’s no profile on yourself that you can edit according to who you think might be reading. Let’s be honest…it happens.
And those pictures? Face it, anyone can seem good looking or photogenic with the convenience of an “untag” button.



I’m not being cynical, I’m just connecting dots.
I mean,
Astronomers do it too, except they take a couple of stars and call it a dog or a Greek god. I think somehow we’re doing the opposite.

I don’t think it’s our fault, not completely. But the fact of the matter is, if that guy in Starbucks would have struck up a conversation, I think that the confidence it would have effaced in and of itself would be pretty freaking attractive. Confidence is attractive, humble confidence is downright lethal. The good lethal. And the reason for that- is that it’s rare.
And that’s a shame.

The truth is, I think we live in a culture that is truly starving for conversation. Real conversation. Dialogue that doesn’t have to have a cup of coffee sitting, literally, in the middle of it. Genuine that doesn’t mean I prayed about it, genuine that means- this is how it is right now .It’s not perfect, but it’s real and I’m ok with you seeing it.
Because…what that says…is that I’m ok with who I am. I know it’s not perfect, but I’m secure enough to stare that reality in the face.
I’m not saying (writing) that this state of existence is easy, but I am saying (writing) that it is to be sought after.
I think we don’t give ourselves or each another enough credit. We’re so busy trying to paint the picture of what we would like to be seen as, we somehow lose who we are. And it’s hard to be confident in an illusion, it just is.

Think of how different it would be if we didn’t text message, facebook post, or e-mail. What if we just used e-mail for the business things and for the rest of it- the communication part, we picked up the phone and called. We got up and walker over to talk. Odds are, it would get easier after a while- as the vulnerability issue subsided and you got used to the sound of your own voice saying (not writing) what you mean to say (not write.)

I think we’d ask more questions. We’d care more because we could see their faces and hear their voices. We would care more about them and spend less time with our own menial thoughts.We would get to know them, and they would get to know us. Because eventually it would be too hard to hide the reality. And in others getting to know you- you inevitably begin to know yourself a bit more.
Scary sure, but worth it. Life’s too short to care about untagging pictures…it’s just too big and too short.

And I think we have to say things by actually saying them.